Etiquettes of Marital relations – Complete book
Islam is a complete way of life. Islam provides guidance and regulations for even the private moments of a Muslim’s life. In the collection of Ahadith and the Seerah of Rasulullah (Sallallahu alayhi wasallam) there are numerous incidents and occasions when his companions came forward and enquired from him about matters related to private life and it’s problems. Even the womenfolk from his followers came forward and enquired with regard to matters that are related to marital life and it’s private issues. They did not feel ashamed or shy to learn the truth, nor did our Rasulullah Sallallahu Alayhi wasallam) feel ashamed to expound the truth as the Quran Majeed says: “And Allah (Azza-wa-Jall) does not feel ashamed of the Haqq.”33/53
It is thus clear that there is nothing wrong in learning or discussing matters related to marriage and sex for the sake of educating ourselves Islamically: Today when the world is realizing the importance of “sex education” in their crude and rude outlook, then why should we as Muslims feel ashamed of revealing Islam’s decent and refined teachings in this field?
Due to constant exposure to pornographic material and other shameless literature, many Muslims have overstepped the limits of Shariah in the fulfillment of their sexual lusts and desires and thus brought upon themselves the harms of this world and the next, particularly in the form of certain deadly diseases, illnesses and infections. Many of them are blissfully unaware that there are any Islamic injunctions in this regard and due to sheer ignorance of Islamic regulations have transgressed the Laws of Shariah, thus causing harm and injury not only to themselves, but even to their partners and their yet unborn off-spring as the pages ahead will reveal.
Thus a need was felt to educate the Muslim public, particularly our younger generation and especially those prospective young couples that are on the threshold of entering info the sacred bond of Nikah, in this often-neglected aspect of Islam, in order that their health and marital bond remain intact and protected from all harms and sorrow. It is hoped that every couple and couple-to-be will benefit greatly from this booklet. Insha-Allah.
Finally, a word regarding the material content of this book. The contents of this book have been extracted from authentic sources as the bibliography will reveal, Insha-Allah. The advices and observations on this topic are the result of years of experience, deep in sight and the spiritual foresight of our pious and wise elders, predecessors and Ulema. To cast any aspersions on their words and teachings would be tantamount to doubting their integrity and erudition. None who claims to be a true Muslim has the right to such presumptuousness. If the athiestic western scientists and their worshippers find any of these teachings to be nonconformant to their “research and findings”, it is of no significance or concern to us. The “everchanging nature” of own their theories is proof enough of the flimsiness and uncertainty of their teachings, which are nothing but conjectural pastimes as far as we are concerned. The mocking, jeering and sneering of such people should be discarded with the contempt it deserves. The teachings of our great luminaries is and will always remain dear and precious to us. Insha-Allah.
May Allah (Azza-wa-Jall) make their booklet a means of reward and saviour for this humble servant and make it a means of guidance and benefit to His sincere and obedient servants. Aameen.
ETIQUETTES OF THE FIRST NIGHT
In the ideal Islamic situation, the husband and wife will most probably be total strangers to each other, having no kind of personal contact with each other previously due to the strict laws of hijab and pardah in the Shariah. Coupled with this feeling of strangeness are the natural constraints of haya and modesty, that form an integral part of Imaan. Under the particular circumstances it is quite natural that both the husband and wife will be extremely bashful of each other and under considerable strain and anxiety.
In order to “break the ice”, they firstly greet each other with the traditional Islamic greetings of salaam. Thereafter the husband should gently place his right hand on his bride’s forehead and recite:
Translation:-“O Allah! I ask you of her goodness, the good within her and the goodness upon which she was created. I seek Your protection from her evil, the evil within her and the evil upon which she was created.”
Thereafter, wudhu and two rakats of salatul-Hajah maybe offered as a token of gratitude and thereby requesting assistance from Allah (Rabbul-Izzat) for a successful and blessed marraige, pious offspring, etc.
Thereafter, they may read some Deeni literature to each other, particularly on the topic of Nikah, etc. In this regard Kitabun-Nikah, Hayatul-Muslimeen, etc, are excellent material to study. If time and opportunity permits, this booklet should be read from cover to cover once at least on the first night.
One point of great importance that many newly wed, inexperienced men overlook is the importance of extreme gentleness and tenderness on the first night and during the first sexual encounter. Many are under the false notion that gentleness is against “manliness” and the harm and damage that is done to the relationship on the first night due to this foolish notion, has it’s impact on the marraige for months and years to come. During the initial stages of sexual union a virgin generally undergoes considerable anxiety and pain, which results in fear. During such a time the husband must take great care and consideration in his movements and behaviour towards his bride.
One more point of caution to the husband is never to harbour unnecessary suspicions against the wife if for some reason it “appeared” that she was not a virgin. This is a sin. It is forbidden to harbour ill-thoughts about the next Muslim merely on the basis of such conjectures. And worse still is to make her a target of abuse and oppression on this ground. This is Zulm (oppression) and a major sin. There are many reasons a girl could lose her “hymen”, the tissue of virginity – reasons that could be substantiated medically such as heavy flows during menstruation, illness, falling, jumping excessively, horse-riding, certain sporting activities, ageing, etc.
INTENTION FOR SEXUAL INTERCOURSE
Hazrat Ali (Radiallahu Anhum) is reported to have said in his WASA (advices):
“At the time of sexual intercourse, the following intentions should be made:
1. Protection against zina (adultery)
2. Protection of the gaza from strange women
3. Attainment of pious and upright progeny who will serve Islam.
When intercourse is enjoyed with the correct intentions, then not only is it an act of physical pleasure, but it also becomes an act of reward and Sawab.
In this regard the gist of a Hadith explains that even intercourse with one’s wife is rewardable and regarded as Sadaqah. The Sahaba (Radiyallahu-Anhum) were greatly astounded upon this – that here a man is gratifying his sexual lusts and desires and yet he is being rewarded for it? Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) explained to them that had this man gratified himself in a haram manner he would be punished for it, then why should he not be rewarded for satisfying himself in a Halaal manner? He will certainly be rewarded.
AT THE TIME OF SEEING AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN
At times, the gaze involuntarily falls upon an attractive woman, which causes excitement of the passion. In such circumstances, what should be done? The Hadith provides guidance:
“When women emerge outdoors, they appear in the form of shaitaan, thus if any of you accidentally gaze at her and take fancy to her, he should consort with his wife, for she has the same that the other woman has.”
This will cleanse the heart from evil intentions, ideas and thoughts. At the same time, the fire of passion and desire that was kindled, will be calmed and cooled in a lawful manner.
PREPARATION FOR INTERCOURSE
The psychological preparation for sexual intercourse is equally important as intercourse itself. Anything that will cause distraction or distaste should be avoided completely. This will turn the opposite partner ‘off’, with detrimental consequences for the couple as well as their marraige.
Amongst the factors that are a major ‘turn-off’ is dirt, filth, bad odours and uncivilized behaviour. Particularly a bad odour from the mouth or body is very unpleasant and the habit of smoking can kill passion and desire for the opposite partner altogether. It is of extreme importance that the mouth be clean, especially with smokers, who should take extra precaution in this regard.
It is part of the beautiful habit of our pure and honourable Master, Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam), that he used to apply itr (scent) and that he used to perform the miswaak (cleansing of the mouth and teeth) before intercourse. Even in such Minute and apparently insignificant matters, he showed us the path to success and bliss. It will indeed be unfortunate if we do not appreciate and practice his teachings and habits, i.e. the Sunnah.
Ibn-e-Jauzi (Rahimahumullah) states in Saidul Khatir that the couple should fix a certain part of the day or night for intercourse in order that both of them prepare physically and psychologically for that time. This will increase and heighten their pleasure. Furthermore, it will eliminate the possibility of any one of them being in an undesirable or unrepared state of mind or body.
It is for this reason that one learned scholar states that a man should inform his wife of his intentions to have sexual relations from the morning in order that both be prepared fully at the appropriate time.
It is for this very reason that Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallah) and the Sahaba-Kiram (Radiyallahu-Anhum) would not enter their homes during the night after returning from a long journey. Rather, they would enter only in the morning. The ideal was to give the womenfolk sufficient time to prepare themeselves for their husbands. In the words of Rasullallah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-W asallah):
“…In order that the unkempt, dishevelled women comb their hair and the unprepared ones shave (shaving of the pubes, underarms, etc.)” -MISHKAAT
There can be no greater turn-off to a returning husband than to find his wife in an unkempt, untidy condition. It is therefore necessary that he anounce his imminent arrival either by way of letter, telephone or a messenger, in order that his wife prepare herself for his arrival.
THE DO’S AND DON’TS OF SEXUAL RELATIONS – IN BRIEF
1. Wudhu, miswaak and scent
2. Proper intention
3. Prepare psychologically 4. Foreplay
5. Recite respective duas
6. Keep in mind correct/preferable times.
7. Keep in mind correct posture 8. Afterplay
9. Urination after intercourse
10. Cleansing private parts
11. Fresh bath before next intercourse
12. Bath as soon as possible.
13. Conceal private affairs
1. Complete nudity
2. Face Qiblah
3. Stand during intercourse
4. Excessive Speech
5. Gaze at private parts
6. On a full stomach
7. With a full bladder
8. On prohibited nights
10. Excessive indulgence
11. Drink water immediately thereafter
12. Anal sex
13. Sex during menstruation
N.B. Each of the above points are now discussed individually for a better insight into each one.
Premature ejaculation is a sexual problem that could adversely affect the marraige. In premature ejaculation, semen is discharged immediately or very shortly after the commencement of sexual activity – within 30 to 60 seconds- whereas the normal period aught to be 2 to 3 minutes.
Due to this condition, the woman remains sexually unsatisfied and this could lead to a problematic marital relationship. Furthermore, it is also a cause of not being able to have children. These have serious implications on the marriage and thus this situation needs to be remedied as swiftly as possible. There are two fundamental causes to this problematic condition:
1. Thinness of semen
2. Weakness of nerves in the private organ; both these conditions can be remedied with suitable and authentic medical treatment.
As for as thinness of semen is concerned, certain suitable foods and vitamens (Refer Chapter 8 ) should ease the problem. Also excessive sex should most definitely be avoided as this will cause thinness of the semen and weaken the nerves of the private organ which are the primary causes of premature ejaculation and eventually, sexual impotency.
According to Hakeem Razi excessive sex will cause:
1. Young men to become old
2. Old men to “Sleep” forever (i.e. death)
3. Healthy men to become weak and sick
4. Weak and Sick men to perish;
Therefore, until a strong, genuine and persistent urge to indulge in sexual intercourse does not exist, it should be avoided at all costs.
The level of sexual potency varies from nation to nation, individual to individual. There are numerous factors that are influential in this regard. Even geographical and climatic conditions play their role. People of hot and humid areas such as the Arabs tend to have a higher drive than those from cold, wet areas. Some men are extremely virile while others have low libido. The same applies to women. However, on an overall basis, women have a considerably lower sexual urge than men.
In certain instances when the woman has a higher sexual drive than a man, certain marital and health problems could arise. If this state of affairs is not remedied soon enough, the woman begins to despise and ridicule her husband and may even begin to flirt and incline towards other men, Allah forbid! The man should therefore utilize foods and vitamens that will enhance his flagging libido and hence improve his sexual life. In this way, the marraige will be saved from many calamities.
VITAMINS FOR POTENCY
Our food and diet plays the central role in sexual potency or impotency: food is digested and converted into healthy or unhealthy blood. This blood then is converted into semen, the lifeblood of man’s sexual activities. It is therefore imperative that such foods be ingested that become a source of healthy blood and semen. Such foods that will grant strength to the body. the mind and heart after sexual indulgence; because sexual indulgence weakens the human body considerably.
An assortment of various suitable foods for sexual potency are now presented:
1. Wheat, 2. Chana, 3. Peas, 4. Beans, 5. Rice, 6. Sesame seeds (Tal)
1. Onions, 2. Garlic, 3. Bindha, 4. Pumpkin, Gourds, 5. Turnips, 6. Beetroot, 7. Carrots, 8. Potato, 9. Ginger, 10. Coconut
1. Grapes, 2. Mango, 3. Pomegrante, 4. Bananas, 5 Figs, 6. Apple, 7. Pineapples, 8. Sweet-Melons, 9. Guavas
NUTS AND SNACKS
1. Cashews, 2. Peanuts, 3. Wallnuts, 4. Chilgoza, 5. Dates, 6. Raisins, 7. Olives, 8. Sultanas, 9. Honey
1. All Halaal Birds, 2. Chicks (baby chickens), 3. Pigeon, 4. Duck, 5. Fish, 6. Red Meats, 7. Liver
l. Milk, 2. Sour Milk, 3. Yogurt, 4. Butter, 5. Cheese
1. Black Pepper, 2. Safron, 3. Elachi, 4. Lawang, 5. Jaifal, 6. Itr (Perfumes)
Hazrat Ali (Radiyallahu-Anhum) reports that once a person complained to Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) that he had no children (probably due to lack of potency). Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) advised him to eat eggs.
On one occassion Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) complained to Hazrat Jibraeel (Alayhimus-Salaam) about his strength. Hazrat Jibraeel (Alayhimus-Salaam)replied that he should eat Harisah, for it has the strength of 40 men. Harisah is a kind of thick soup made of crushed wheat, mixed with meat, butter, certain spices, etc.
The following foods adversely affect sexual potency:
1. All sour fruits, 2. Pickles (Achaar), 3. Chutneys, 4. Amli, 5. Vinegar, 6. Red Chillies, 7. “Hot” Spices, 8. Tea, Coffee, Caffeine Products, 9 Saunf
SEX-RELATED ILLNESSES, HEALTH HAZARDS AND GENERAL ISSUES
To indulge in any unnatural form of sexual gratification and to prevent the natural flow of semen results in veneral diseases and other related disorders.
Excessive sex, “filthy” literature, pornographic material, “dirty” thoughts, fantasizing, etc. Cause a flow of Mazee (liquidish matter preceding semen) to occur. This results in the semen becoming thin, which in turn causes premature ejaculation – a vicious chain-reaction of sexual problems!
Moderate (or bare minimum) sexual indulgence is the key to good health and a happy life.
Sour foods in abundance causes premature ejaculation.
Sex during fever causes the fever to become excessive and could result in delirium.
Immediately after sexual activity, partaking place where the sudden appearance of any strange person is very likely, is undesirable and causes weakness to the body and nerves. Besides the harm, no pleasure is derived from such sexual indulgence.
Sex on a full-stomach results in premature ejaculation. Besides this, weakness of the stomach, indigestion, swelling of the liver and stomach are some of the resultant problems of the above-mentioned act.
Curbing the urge to urinate and indulging in sex in this condition cause infection and harm to the kidneys, bladder and urinary tract. Similarly to suppress the urge to defaecate and indulge in sex causes piles and other rectal problems. These should be avoided at all costs.
To indulge in sex when the eye is sore results in the swelling and whitening of the eye.
Even when the woman’s eye is sore, sex should be avoided. Hazrat Ummu-Salma (Radiyallahu-Anhum) reports that if any of the Holy wives’ eyes were sore, Rasulullah (Sallallahu-Alayhi-Wasallam) would not indulge in intimacy with them until they were cured. JAMI-E-KABEER
N.B. From this Hadith it is learnt that if the woman is ill or in pain and agony, sexual intercourse should be avoided. Besides further deterioration of her health, it may strain relationships between husband and wife and no pleasure or satisfaction will be derived from such intimacy.
If the woman makes istinja with cold water before sexual intercourse, she will be aroused and climax quicker than normal. On ine other hand, the man will slow down and slacken if he makes istinja with cold water. He should thus avoid doing so immediately before sexual relations.