Etiquette to be observed by seniors for juniors
So far most aadaab dealt with, concern the respect which people have to uphold for either their contemporaries or their seniors. Some aadaab which seniors should observe for juniors will now be mentioned.
(1) Seniors should not be too fussy. They should not lose their temper for every little thing. Just as juniors are disrespectful to you in certain acts, you too, are disrespectful to your elders in some respects. Therefore, be tolerant and once or twice admonish the errant junior tenderly. When soft measures have failed, then sterner measures may be’ adopted having in view the welfare and betterment of the junior. If you as a senior totally refrain from toleration, you will be depriving yourself always of the benefits of Sabr.
(2) In view of the fact that Allah Ta’ala has appointed you a senior (to guide others), various types of people with different temperaments, dispositions, intelligence and attitudes will refer to you. All cannot be moulded overnight. Remember the following hadith:
“The Mu’min who mingles with people and patiently bears their difficulties (which they cause) is better than one who neither mingles nor bears the difficulties of people.”
(3) If you believe that a person will not fulfill your request, then never a”‘ him to do something which is not obligatory in the Shariah.
(4) When someone renders service or makes gifts to you (as the senior) without you having requested for it, then too, take into consideration his comfort and welfare. Do oat accept so much service which tires him nor accept gifts of such amount which may be beyond his means. If he invites you for meals, impress on him not to prepare excessive food nor permit him to invite too many of your colleagues.
(5) When expediency dictates that you (as the senior) should display
displeasure or sometimes when you are truly displeased, then at some other
time gladden the person. If truly you had committed an excess and wronged
him, then apologize to him without any hesitation. Do not be proud, for on
the Day of Qiyaamah you will be equals.
(6) If in conversation a person’s disrespectful attitude distresses you and brings about a change in your temper, then it is best not to talk to him directly. Pursue the discussion via the medium of someone who is capable of understanding and conducting the corwersation culturally and politely. By adopting this method, your change of temper will not affect others nor will his disrespect affect you.
(7) Do not exalt nor grant so much proximity to your khaadim (voluntary assistant) or your associate that others should hold him in awe. When he (the khaadim) conveys to you the stories and affairs of others, forbid him therefrom. If you do not do so, others will become fearful of him and as a result of his narrations you will entertain suspicions on others.
Similarly, when he comes with someone’s proposal or he intercedes on behalf of others, then sternly forbid him so that people do not regard him as a medium (to gain audience with you). If they gain the impression that he is your medium, they will be constrained to flatter and please him. They will make gifts to him or he himself will put his requests to them.
In short, you (as the senior) should be in direct contact with people. Do not keep intermediaries. There is no harm in having one or two persons close by as assistants, but they should not interfere at all in the affairs of those who have to deal with you (as the senior).
(7) You (as the senior) should not entrust the arrangements for guests to others. You yourself attend to them, even if you have to undergo much pressure as a result. At least others will have comfort and rest. In fact, it is only natural for seniors to undergo difficulties and sustain pressure.
(8) Some people (seniors) behave arrogantly. They totally disregard others. In so doing they harm people. Even great people are involved in this malady. There is a need to exercise exceptional care to refrain from this type of attitude.
(9) If a senior does not behave affectionately, but adopts arrogance and pride, and resorts to uncalled for dictatorship, then his image and rank will decline.
(10) Service should not be taken from one who is in the employ or under the jurisdiction of another person without first having obtained the consent of the latter. Even if the person in charge happens to be your junior or under your jurisdiction, his consent should still be obtained.
(11) Juniors are to be regarded as the complements of seniors. Both are in need of each other. Sometimes juniors acquire certain excellences from which seniors are totally deprived. Therefore, never despise juniors or those under your authority.
(12) When juniors draw the attention of seniors to the truth, the latter should
immediately accept it. The Qur’anic term “Tawaso” means” “admonish one another”; “advise one another”. Thus, seniors should admonish juniors and vice versa. This Qur’anic form of commanding mutual admonition has alerted seniors to the fact that while they should admonish and advise juniors, they (juniors) too have the right of proclaiming the truth to seniors. Thus, seniors have no justification for taking offence when a junior states the truth to them. On the contrary, they should concede the truth. However, juniors should address seniors with respect and honour when the need arises for them to proclaim the truth to their seniors. Only an intelligent person will adopt the correct attitude.
(13) Acting in an unprincipled manner with even juniors is improper. While juniors should not hurt and inconvenience seniors by word or deeds, seniors too should reciprocate. Nowadays no care is taken to avoid inconveniencing others. The concern is primarily to obtain fulfillment of one’s personal motives and needs irrespective of any hurt or harm caused to others in the process.
(14) The Shaikh-e-Kaamil (the qualified spiritual mentor) is a person who comforts the Taalib (the searcher of Allah) and supports him during his conditions of despondency and frustration. He provides encouragement and solace to the Taalib.
(15) People wholly ignore the rights of their wives and children. They are proficient in only exercising dictatorial authority. They do not stop to think
(15) People wholly ignore the rights of their wives and children. They are proficient in only exercising dictatorial authority. They do not stop to think that those over whom they are exercising authority have rights to be fulfillled. They have excluded Muasharat (social relationship) from the scope of the Deen, Considerable deficiency exists in this regard. The cause for this lamentable situation is the unconcerned attitude of seniors. They have become unconcerned about the Deen.
(16) So-called religious persons who are deficient in discharging the rights of their associates are in fact unaware of the Deen. In reality they are not religious, even though people regard them as being pious.
MALFOOZAAT BY HAZRAT ASHRAF ALI THANWI(R.A.):
While I do not issue a Fatwa (Deeni verdict), I do advise that the husband should either hold the reins of the home affairs (expenses, etc.) himself or permit his wife to have this control. He should not assign this control to others, whether they happen to be brothers, sisters or even his parents. Handing over control of the home-affairs to others distresses the wife considerably. The husband should handle the home-budget himself or assign it to his wife. Among all relatives she is the one most entitled in this respect.
The rights of the wife are not confined to food and clothing. In addition, it is essential to keep her happy. Her happiness is of such importance that the fuqaha (jurists of Islam) have ruled that it is permissible to speak, even a lie to keep her happy. (By a ‘lie’ is meant a statement calculated to make her happy even though it be contrary to fact, but as long as the statement does not infringe on anyone’s right nor does it bring about any violation of the Shariah, e.g. it will be permissible to express love to the wife even though the husband’s heart is devoid of love for her. – Translators).
This ruling of the Fuqaha is very significant. The importance of the right of the wife can be adequately gauged therefrom. For the sake of her happiness even Allah Ta’ala has waived one of his rights, viz. his prohibition on lies.
Source: Aadabul Muasharaat
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